I used to say that there was nothing a glass of wine couldn’t fix. Well I was wrong. I’ve had about three now, and it hasn’t brought you back. At this moment, that seems like the only thing that can make me happy. I hope this passes; this heavy and simultaneously empty felling, because I can’t imagine spending the next 173ish days being this miserable.
I’ve been trying to think happy thoughts; trips to the beach, summer cocktails, long bike rides. But those things just remind me of you. You know I hand’t realized it until now, but we’ve never really had a summer together. Our first was…..well, you know, and the last, we were cooped up inside being broke. I guess theres always hope for next year….
I think I just need to learn how to live without you. Or more accurately, how to live alone. That’s not necessarily a bad thing I suppose. It’s likely I’ll learn a great deal about myself, because the truth is, other than when you were in Cali, I’ve never really been alone. At least not the kind of alone where you discover yourself. I’m going to try and embrace that aspect of this at least.
In an effort to embrace the aforementioned and be optimistic, I’ve made a list of all the good things about you being gone. It’s small now but I hope it grows. I hope I can learn to find the good in all this.
1.) Light soy milk (although the commissary has begun to carry only vanilla light soy…bastards)
2.) I can sleep in the middle of the bed and not have to fear getting elbowed in the face.
3.) I don’t have to share my wine… or champagne… or vodka.
4.) I can eat when I want, what I want or not at all.
5.) lots of free time for the gym.
That’s all I’ve come up with for now.
Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.