All posts by nelson422

19 days to go…

We made it to the teens! Thank god, because this is beginning to become quite unbearable.

I know you don’t look at this site anymore, but my hope is that you will….eventually.

I’m noodling on the couch with our babies. It’s one of my favorite things to do these days. But, I find that it always makes me miss you too.

I know we say “I love you” all the time. An each and every time those words leave my lips, I mean them. I mean them with everything I have to give.

I truly truly love you Brett. I won’t lie, knowing me, I was worried that spending 6 months apart would change how I/you felt. Like out love was dependent on us being beside one another. Turns out, its not. I love you more now than I ever imagined possible. You are my everything baby. You and this little family of ours are what keep me going, what makes me smile and what makes me realize this life really is worth living.

xoxoxo

Always,

Your wife

Advertisements

58 to go….

I miss you.

I miss you in the deepest parts of my soul that only you can fill. I miss the weight of you beside me. I miss the touch of your skin against mine. I miss your lips, your body; everything.

It pains me to have to admit this, not only to you but to myself…

I NEED you Brett.

I’m capable of making it through the day. I’ve somehow found ways to pass the time — although If you asked my how I couldn’t tell you how — but the fact is, I’m not me without you. At least not anymore.

And although this time somehow continues to pass, I can’t recall the last time I felt like myself or the last time I was truly happy, not since you’ve been gone.

There are glimmers, but they’re centered around you, as most of my life is these days.

As I sit here, a face full of tears, all I can do to not break down is to try and picture you here; try to imagine the things you’d say, your mannerisms, your presence.

I’m grateful that so much time has passed, but the time still to come seems weightier and more harsh. It’s getting harder when It should be getting easier.

I won’t pretend I’m not terrified for you to come home, because I am. I’m anxious, nervous and excited all at the same time. But I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be me again and I can’t wait for life to make sense once more.

I love you Brett Nelson. I have since the moment I met you, I just didn’t know it yet.

Dez

 

Day 108…

I can’t help but think things are different than they were, things with us. I know you’re busy, I know you have a lot on your plate and I know that I can’t always expect to hear from you. I also know couples often get bored with one another. Things become mundane and the same old, day in and day out, eventually leads to someone’s unhappiness which eventually leads to said person seeking happiness elsewhere.

I don’t want to be like other couples. I don’t want to be too comfortable. I don’t want to boring and mundane. I don’t want us to lose excitement about this, although it seems you already have.

When we first began to date you were always happy, always excited to hear my voice or see my face. Now it seems like your absolute last priority, which hurts, since you are still my first.

I’m not really sure how to feel or really how to respond to it or if I even should at all. Generally speaking, this is the point in a relationship when I would set my feelings aside and move on. Obviously I don’t want to do that, you being my husband and all. So, I’m not really sure what my move is here. Do I just pretend it doesn’t bother me? I could, but then our relationship would basically become a lie. I could confront you about it, although I know you’re aware and I really shouldn’t have to. But, then again, you rarely respond to these sort of things, or you do and then revert back to similar practices a week later.

I told you in the beginning I was needy. Sort of stupid of me to marry a Marine then, with the time that entails. But, I wanted you and I still want you, only you, forever. Provided you don’t forget I exist……

Balikatan 2014

I’ve recently returned from easily one of the most useless, hottest, aggravating, slowest moving, miserable two weeks of my Marine Corps career. I missed you so unbelievably much Dez. I’m not trying to turn this into a sob story, but what made it so much worse was the fact that I’ve literally never gone a day without you in my life since meeting you… and it sucked worse than I could have ever thought possible. I would write you on my phone whenever I could, with the intent to post it here when I got back… here it is.


Balikatan Day 2 20140511 100013

May 5, 2014
I miss you, I hate that this is the first time we’ve gone without at least each other’s voices. I also love that we made it as far as we did, and I love that it means so much to both of us. 

I read another letter last night…

I wish so badly that I had done what you did, and left you with pre-staged letters for occasions, (seriously baby, that was brilliant). I was torn between reading “when you’re feeling lonely” and “when you need encouragement”.

I hate that I always feel like I’m complaining to you about how much this place sucks; but this place… makes Afghanistan look inviting. It’s not just the weather… Although that’s usually either the base of the problem or the icing on the cake for a shitty situation. I’m no longer performing road guard duties… In fact I never was. There was a miscommunication, I was informed when I landed in the Philippines that I was no longer in charge, and that I’d be working for someone and my Marines and I would be a guard force for the camp…. OK. No big deal so far.

We got to where we are around 0300 yesterday morning. I really have no idea where we are… I’ve been trying to get my GPS on my phone to work, but it doesn’t do so well without signal. I’ve taken some really cool photos… There’s stuff here that looks straight out of Avatar or NatGeo… It smells horrible though, no surprise. The living conditions could be worse, we live in 70 man tents that “have A/C”, but the during the day the A/C does effectively nothing and it gets so hot you can’t even walk into the tent. So were basically stuck outside in the 120 degree heat with a little bit of a breeze. Also, presently the A/C is out…

I know, I know… I’m bitching… But I’ve not yet begun to bitch…. The real problem here, is the guard force chief. He’s a SSgt, a welder by trade, and fresh off the drill field.. although he hasn’t figured that last part out yet. So we are run like recruits, especially my guys. They’re doing 16 hours on post, 8 hours off, except they are usually relieved an hour and a half late and have to show up an hour early for post ( both of those are a result of a certain welding SNCO). 

The way he runs this guard force is so inefficient, and it’s impacting the Marines really hard. It’s our second day and it’s all I can do to keep them from starting a coup.

It’s situations like this that make me feel like I can’t do this for another 10 years… I don’t want to do this to us for 10 more years… I just don’t know what to do… It at the very least makes me realize that I need to commission, lat move, or get the fuck out… soon. When I walked into the COC for the first time to submit a mission card to take my Marines out to their post, I was literally so cold I couldn’t stay in there. It’s full of comm. Lcpls and Captains, data guys and Master Gunnery Sergeants… It’s fucking POG central, but the quality of life is unreal. They were all walking around calling each other by their first names, drinking coffee, asking if they called their wives recently… I was furious, they feel like they’ve done their duty by providing us a “wi-fi tent”…which is where I am now. However, the tents that live close enough to the tent have wi-fi and never have to get off, which overpopulates the router, and doesn’t allow anyone on. Since I’ve been writing this they’ve unplugged the router 5 times, in attempt to try and let other people on, but as luck would have it if you set your phone to remember the router name and password, as soon as we plug it in they’re already connected to it. So I’m sitting here, looking at a router that I could use to talk to you, and knowing that I can’t… And just seeing that typed out literally brings tears to my eyes… I miss you so much… And I want to see you and talk to you… I want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you, and I want to know you’ve not forgotten about me. 

I decided to go with “when you need encouragement”, because I do… I’m just so discouraged, and my morale is all but destroyed… To KNOW that on a consistent basis, I will work harder and longer and be treated worse than anyone else… It’s really getting to me. I just want to be treated fairly. I want the things that I’m people are entitled to, I want to talk to my wife… I want to be able to sleep when I need to sleep, I want a real life… If my MECEP application doesn’t get approved… I don’t know what I’m going to do… Like, really, really, really don’t know what I’m going to do.

I love you Desiree… And I miss you fiercely… I’m probably going to read “when you’re lonely” later, because I am… I hope it’s not pathetic that the thought of going 15 more days without seeing you or hearing your voice makes me want to cry… I hope you’re well, and I hope you’re happy, and I hope you haven’t forgotten me, or how happy we are when were together. Talk to you soon baby.

Forever yours,
Brett


Balikanan Day 4

May 7, 2014
Wow. I didn’t realize that I wrote that only two days ago… It feels like a week. I wish I was exaggerating or being dramatic. 😔

Things got better… Then worse. I’ve vented to every channel that I have at my disposal. Nothing’s changing. Everyone acknowledges the glaring flaws here, but nobody cares. But my guys are feeling the pain. The hours are ridiculous, and I smell like… Well, something really, really bad. (I can deal with the latter).

I got thrown a bone the other day however. 1/8 planned a range, and didn’t account for tasking my section out 24/7… And if my guys aren’t there to facilitate the range it’s going to be cancelled. BOOM! Just bought me and my guys a 4 day vacation from this shift work.

Starting tomorrow we’ve got rocket ranges and demo ranges till the end of the week. 😁

But I’m missing you more and more everyday… Something is always reminding me of how bad I want to be with you, literally with you, and next to you. I miss adventures and I miss doing things… I wanna do stuff so badly with you. That’s both a literal statement and a sexual in-your-endo… 😜

(I also miss food a great deal… But I think that’s partly just being here in this gorgeous sweltering wasteland)

I hope you’re doing well angel… I really really do… I thought of a gift that I wanted to send you today, but alas… I have no internet… Ironic, because I am in front of a router again… I gotta get going baby. I love you super hard! 😘

Forever and ever,
Brett

Evernote Camera Roll 20140511 095852
(Infamous router)

Balikatan Day 7 (Part 1)

May 10, 2014
Evernote Camera Roll 20140510 065547

It rained like hell yesterday… Which was great. Actually, overall… It was my best day out here yet. Our demo range got cut short, (due to T-storms), we got soaked, and it was probably the hottest day yet (prior to the rain)… Again… Just to reiterate… This was literally my best day out here. Also, Grant pulled a stunt on guard duty in my absence that attracted the attention of our Lt., MasterGuns, 2 CWO-3’s and 2 Captains… Who all ripped into (at the same time mind you) the SSgt running this guard force circus. So… Things are supposed to be changing, and there’s rumor of me taking over. 👍

I am missing you so much baby… This little vacation away from guard force has been exactly what I needed to keep me from wanting to kill everyone… But it doesn’t make me miss you any less… I get worried from time to time that you’ve forgotten me, and I’ve got no way of reassuring myself that you haven’t because I can’t talk to you. I freak out that you’re alone, I freak about you being in Jacksonville, I freak out about Pierce… And I just want my baby back… I love you so much angel. And I can’t wait to see you and hear your voice tell me you love me again. 😘
Forever and ever,
Brett
P.S.- I went to the gym the other day and played with kettle bells… Kinda love them. I was reading about them in 4-Hour Body… It says good things about them… I’m looking forward to potentially getting in the gym when we get back 😬

Balikatan Day 7 (Part 2)

May 10, 2014

I’m done with all my ranges, it rained again, so it’s cool again… I’m just laying on my rack (something I usually can’t do because it’s so hot in here). I’m just thinking about you… In fact, you’re all I can think about… I’m so ready to get back to you. I’m so excited that you’re my wife, I can’t help but think about all the things were going to do together. I can’t help think about being with you and making you happy (I hope). I can’t help but smile when I think of you… As my wife… I love thinking of you and knowing that I got the best one, the best friend, best wife, best life I could ever have. Seriously baby, I don’t know what I did, but thank you for choosing me… I love you so much… I miss you

Forever,
Brett
P.S.-this is how hot it usually is in my tent
Evernote Camera Roll 20140511 084547

Balikatan Day 9

May 12, 2014
I miss you terribly, we’re almost done. I take over as guard chief the day after tomorrow. We got word that the ATM out here may be at fault for several Marines having money fraudulently taken from their accounts… Quite a bit of money in some cases. I’ve still yet to connect to the internet, so I don’t know if I’m at risk (nor can I contact you to let you know that an exorbitant ammount of money has been taken from me/us). We may get libo in Angeles City in a few days; if I take it it will only be for the purposes of getting a real shower, eating real food and using wi-fi… Hopefully they have a Starbucks.
Being that the ATM is shady, they have offered us dispersing, which is a fancy military way of saying they will give you money now, and dock it from your check later… Just wanted to let you know.
I know this letter is super boring, but the day is young. I’ll add onto it as it goes.😘
I love you and miss you…
Evernote Snapshot 20140512 131305

Forever & Ever,
Brett
P.S.- I never did get time to write more…

Balikatan Day 10

May 13, 2014
Evernote Camera Roll 20140513 113027
Almost done…ish. I take over the guard force tomorrow, which is cool, because I can run shit my way now. However, it also means that I don’t get libo. I won’t be going to Angeles City (really don’t care about that, I just wish I could talk to you). But were supposed to begin our retrograde process as early as this afternoon. Things are being disassembled and inventoried and packed as I write this… I’m so fucking ready to get back to my room in Oki, and I’m so fucking ready to get home to you. I really hope you didn’t forget about me…😔

I love you so hard…
Brett


May 17, 2014

I love you so much… Everything reminds me of you. Time has moved noticeably slower since I’ve been out here… It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve heard your voice. I was thinking today, about what to say when we talk… I was thinking something along the lines of “I love you, and that sucked”. I’m so ready to be home and canoodle all up next to you (btw, have not stopped obsessing over your sexy little nighties 😬). Guard force has run smoother since I took over… It’s also borderline lord of the fucking flies out here at this point… My guys are pretty pissed because the guard force was not afforded any libo or drinking privelages… Although the rest of the battalion was. I don’t really care that I didn’t get to, but they were really looking forward to it. So I’ve been trying to keep morale up, which is proving difficult.

Evernote Camera Roll 20140517 015614

Charlie and H&S are staged outside right now getting ready to leave, we leave tomorrow (and it couldn’t come any sooner). It’s like 0200 right now… And I’m very le tired and I’ve gotta get sleep when I can, after about 8 in the morning it’s too hot to sleep during the day. I love you baby.
Always,
Brett
P.S.- I am so madly in love with you…

So, that’s that… I meant to write you on my last day, or during our egress back to the rear, but I never really had time. I love you, and I’m so glad to be able to see you again.

Yours Always,
Brett

Day 86…

Well hello there stranger. It’s been a while. In fact, its been…

14 days since we last spoke

86 days since my lips have touched yours

387 days since we said “I do”

739 days since we first laid eyes on each other

and…

93 more days till I get to see your perfect smile and kiss your perfect lips.

I can’t wait baby 🙂

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Your wife

 

 

Day 77…

So, this is day 4 of us not talking…..I’m not sure how you feel about it, but, In my opinion, it totally sucks.

I figured since we’re not going to be able to chat, exchange stories or engage in our witty repertoire, I’d leave some  not-so-interesting posts about my days, just so I don’t forget all the boring things that go on while your are otherwise indesposed. It also kind of serves as a  way for me to vent because, once again, you are otherwise indisposed.

So here goes…

Since you’ve been gone I’ve managed to get a sunburn down the entire front of my body. Not the sides or back mind you, just the front. So, instead of being excited about my terrible sunburn eventually turning into a luscious tan, I just have to deal with a terrible sunburn eventually turning into a not-so-luscious tan just down the front of my body…. :-/

I did manage to finish our dresser, which if I say so myself is pretty damn spectacular. I’m quite impressed with myself (see pics below). Hoping to build us a pipe entryway table. It’s cooler than it sounds….promise.

The whole diet thing is suuuuuuucking. But, i’m sticking to it, with a few cheats here and there. A girls gotta live. So far I’ve lost 4 lbs (in week 1) and a few inches. But, I feel pretty awesome. I just hope I look awesome when you get home.

I told you about the Thomas Jefferson award we won at work. Well turns out they’re having the ceremony in D.C. (instead of the usual Vegas :-/ ) so, I may be going this weekend (Ashley isn’t going!). It’s still a little up in the air. It would be all expenses paid (except alcohol) but I would obviously have to board the dogs and they need their shots before then so there’s that too….

Jayne and Justin are going on a cruise to St. Marteen and a few other places in January. Apparently it wasn’t that expensive, so I looked into it. We can go on a 4-10 night cruise (whatever you want) for about 2,500$ and that includes airfare, food etc. Drinks would be extra. Just thought id throw it out there but we can of course discuss it when you get back from the Philippines.

You know that fat SSgt. that’s with 1/8. He’s been in like forever? Assistant FRO guy? Why is he here and not with you guys? Is it because he’s assistant FRO guy? I watched him fall into the water off a paddle board the other day….imbecile.

Oh, I almost forgot, Demo locked me out of the house the other day. He hit the latch on the patio door…..loads of fun.

One last thing. Thank for walking into that bar two years ago. Thank you for convincing me we were a good idea when I was trying to convince myself otherwise and thank you for making all those horrible decisions all those months ago…..without them I wouldn’t have you and I wouldn’t be the happiest girl alive.

I adore you Brett Nelson.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Your wife

My handy work! I hope you like it as much as I do.
My handy work! I hope you like it as much as I do.

Day 52…

So I feel the need to address something you brought up on the phone this morning. You mentioned, when we fight, I always threaten to leave. I don’t know if it was your intention, but, it felt as though you were suggesting that because you don’t resort to that , that you are somehow more vested in this relationship.

I need you to know a few things.

I LOVE YOU!

I know I say it all the time and it likely holds little meaning these days other than being a piece of our everyday repertoire. But, when I say I love you, I mean that you are a piece of me. That I am not me without you. That my life has little meaning if you’re not a part of it. That you make me happy…..truly, truly happy. And that I would do anything with you or for you.

That being said, just because we fight and I say those terrible things, doesn’t mean I love you any less. In fact, in a twisted way it sort of means I love you more. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I never really fought in any of my other relationships. Well, there was a reason for that. I didn’t care enough to fight for them.

The reason I say i’m leaving is simple really.

You are the only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with, who stands up to me. I find this both infuriating and necessary.

When we fight, we fight. I often feel as though I’m backed into a corner. The things you say and the way you make me feel suggest that you don’t care about me. Of course we are in a fight and mean things are said, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less. At some point during our fights I convince myself that you don’t care about me, or at least not as much as I care about you.

I’m on the defense from there.

The truth is, I think part of me says those things because it invokes the only response that I get from you when we’re fighting, that suggests you want this and that you want me.

But, baby, no matter what is said in those fights, you are my everything. I live for you. I’m very uninterested in a life without you in it. So, I apologize for all the shitty things I say while we fight and the ones I will no doubt say in the future. But, just know that I only fight with you because I need you to fight back. I need to know you want this to and often, that is the only way I can tell for sure.

I know it’s messed up, but its just how I’ve learned to deal with it for now….

I love you baby. No matter what.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Your wife