Day 44…

The days are ticking by; but it’s almost as if the closer we get to each other, the further apart we are. I miss you baby. I hate that we are living two lives completely apart from each other. Sometimes it feels like we aren’t even together. Maybe that just me though….

Somedays, I just go through the motions, get up, go to work, blah blah blah… It’s all so boring and mundane without you.

Does that make me pathetic? The fact that I’m so completely unhappy without you. Shouldn’t I be able to be happy by myself? I mean don’t get me wrong. There are some moments that have been good. But they only last until I think of you. So, not very long.

In an effort to focus on the positive, I made a list of some of my favorite “Us” memories. Take a moment. Reminisce. And, remember how much in love we were/are.

1. Sitting in your hotel room that second day. The ease of it all, but the excitement as well. It was sort of like I already knew you.

2. The look in your eyes when you said your vows. That was one of the moments that I truly knew you loved me.

3. The handicap bathroom sex in Philly.

4. The shower, bed, floor, sink sex in Philly.

5. Pretty much every time we’ve had sex.

6. The day we moved in together. It was sort of surreal to wake up next to you every morning.

7. The camping trip in VA. We went on bike rides, met Roger and got attacked by killer bees.

8.  The day you came back to Albany after being on the road for hours. I definitely fell a little more in love with you that day.

9. The moment I opened the hotel room door the first time I went to DC. I was so excited to see you. I wanted to kiss you that second but was trying to play it cool.

10. That entire weekend in DC was pretty much perfection. Laying in the grass with you when I told you “I kind of sorta might more than like you.” (I’m such a tard) and people watching at the Lincoln Memorial.

10. The moment in Albany when I met you at the hotel. You came down to get me from the lobby. When the elevator door opened you were standing their looking….well…..fucking amazing.

11. Our first kiss. I mean, it was pretty much perfect. Best first kiss I’ve ever had at least.

Those are just a few of the highlights baby. But, every moment with you is amazing. Even the moments where were yelling at each other and fighting, because we’re fighting for this, for us, and it’s all so totally worth it.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Your wife

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Day 36…

I know it feels like forever, but it’s just one less day that we have to spend apart. I’m the same way with going about my daily routine, and keeping busy, it’s when everything stops that it becomes the hardest. Everything still reminds me of you, and I still look forward to showing you things on a daily basis, and making you smile… I just wish I could be there to see the impact. I hope you’re doing ok with all of this, as ok as you can be anyway. I hope that the thoughts you have of us are enough to keep you as in love with me as you were when I left.

I wish I could make all of this go faster, I wish there was more that I could do to make you more at ease with all of this. I love you angel, and not a second passes in my day, no matter how busy that I’m not thinking of you.

Always

Your husband

Day 34…

Hello my love. It feels as though its been forever since you’ve been home; since we’ve been together. I miss you so much. I’m ok most of the time, until I’m not. Until I think about it, until I think about you.

I don’t have much to say. But, I want you to know how much you’re loved; how amazing  you are and how lucky I am to have you.  This distance is miserable, but I’ll endure it, if it means that I can be with you…eventually.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Your wife

Day 12…

I think someone else might miss you as well...

I think someone else might miss you as well…

It’s days like today that I feel as if I’m losing you. It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s this distance; the lack of your presence around me. I miss you. Not everyday miss you blah blah blah. I truly miss you. My heart hurts when your not here baby. I’m so scared that this will change us. I hope that I’m wrong. I hope I’m still what you what, what you need when you come back. I know our life is a little boring and mundane here lately. I’m sorry for that. I don’t want us to forget all the plans we had, all the adventures we talked about.

I hope you’re still excited about this. God knows I am.

I love you Brett Nelson, with all that I am.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Day 7… one week down

Day 7... one week down

“The silence isn’t so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad. Because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.”

One week down and about 25 or so to go… Slowly getting into a routine, it’s different not being able to come home to your arms every day after work and just hold you. It’s so different being back in this lifestyle again, one I hadn’t really ever thought I’d be forced to endure again. When you’re gone things are just… different. I’m trying to stay busy, which isn’t that hard given someone is always doing something they shouldn’t be, but it’s just like I just can’t turn off work anymore. I miss you so much, and I worry about you, because although I’m not sure if you realize it but I do know that I have people here that I work with everyday and interact with everyday, and I’m so sorry that I can’t be there for you everyday, and laugh with you and console you after a bad day. I miss sharing drinks after work and making dinner (I really miss that), and deciding what to watch, and finally going to bed and canoodling with you… I know we kind of have a busy routine so there’s not much room to deviate from everyday life, but it was our routine, and I miss it. I try and take every opportunity to call or text or FaceTime you, but its difficult with always running around and not having the ability to concoct you wherever I want, and as it turns out it ends up being at the beginning and end of my day, and coincidentally your’s as well. As things develop here I’m sure I will find ways to be able to get into a routine over here where we can find normal hours to communicate, but then again… Marine Corps (need I say more?). I love you so much, and i enjoy the thought of you sleeping while I’m awake, I love the thought of you dreaming of us while I go about my day.

I still count us as lucky, being that it could be far, far worse… I thought I’d show you some of the things that I’ve been up to lately… Because although we’re separated by nearly 8,000 miles, I am still in a new exciting place, and I want to share these with you.

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As always baby, I miss you and I love you… sleep well.

Day 6…

"If the only place where I could see you was in my dreams, I'd sleep forever."
“If the only place where I could see you was in my dreams, I’d sleep forever.”

I used to say that there was nothing a glass of wine couldn’t fix. Well I was wrong. I’ve had about three now, and it hasn’t brought you back. At this moment, that seems like the only thing that can make me happy. I hope this passes; this heavy and simultaneously empty felling, because I can’t imagine spending the next 173ish days being this miserable.

I’ve been trying to think happy thoughts; trips to the beach, summer cocktails, long bike rides. But those things just remind me of you. You know I hand’t realized it until now, but we’ve never really had a summer together. Our first was…..well, you know, and the last, we were cooped up inside being broke. I guess theres always hope for next year….

I think I just need to learn how to live without you. Or more accurately, how to live alone. That’s not necessarily a bad thing I suppose. It’s likely I’ll learn a great deal about myself, because the truth is, other than when you were in Cali, I’ve never really been alone. At least not the kind of alone where you discover yourself. I’m going to try and embrace that aspect of this at least.

In an effort to embrace the aforementioned and be optimistic, I’ve made a list of all the good things about you being gone. It’s small now but I hope it grows. I hope I can learn to find the good in all this.

1.) Light soy milk (although the commissary has begun to carry only vanilla light soy…bastards)

2.) I can sleep in the middle of the bed and not have to fear getting elbowed in the face.

3.) I don’t have to share my wine… or champagne… or vodka.

4.) I can eat when I want, what I want or not at all.

5.) lots of free time for the gym.

That’s all I’ve come up with for now.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

XoXo,

Dez

Day 2…

"We are the perfect couple, we're just not in the perfect situation."
“We are the perfect couple, we’re just not in the perfect situation.”

I woke up this morning feeling bubbly and refreshed, something I hadn’t expected to be for a long time. I think you’re 3 a.m. FaceTime  is to blame. You always seem to have that affect on me Brett Nelson. I’m smiling ear-to-ear just thinking about it and about you.

I dragged myself out of bed after hitting the snooze button three times, just so I could lay in our bed a little longer; just to feel you “beside” me if only in my imagination.

After kissing your picture good morning and reminiscing about your face from the night prior, I put on Pandora to the infinitely programmed Mayday (It never gets old) and what  comes on… “Jamie all Over”. All I could do was smile and think “today is going to be a good day.” Then I got into the shower NAKED!!!

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After yoga tonight it is painfully (literally) clear that I’ve been slacking on the exercise front. It was really quite pathetic; pathetic but good. I think it was good for Jayne and I; a nice stress reliever.

On another note, House of Cards Season 2 is on Netflix……binging immeadiately.

I can’t wait to hear your voice and see your face again.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.