58 to go….

I miss you.

I miss you in the deepest parts of my soul that only you can fill. I miss the weight of you beside me. I miss the touch of your skin against mine. I miss your lips, your body; everything.

It pains me to have to admit this, not only to you but to myself…

I NEED you Brett.

I’m capable of making it through the day. I’ve somehow found ways to pass the time — although If you asked my how I couldn’t tell you how — but the fact is, I’m not me without you. At least not anymore.

And although this time somehow continues to pass, I can’t recall the last time I felt like myself or the last time I was truly happy, not since you’ve been gone.

There are glimmers, but they’re centered around you, as most of my life is these days.

As I sit here, a face full of tears, all I can do to not break down is to try and picture you here; try to imagine the things you’d say, your mannerisms, your presence.

I’m grateful that so much time has passed, but the time still to come seems weightier and more harsh. It’s getting harder when It should be getting easier.

I won’t pretend I’m not terrified for you to come home, because I am. I’m anxious, nervous and excited all at the same time. But I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be me again and I can’t wait for life to make sense once more.

I love you Brett Nelson. I have since the moment I met you, I just didn’t know it yet.

Dez

 

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