Day 52…

So I feel the need to address something you brought up on the phone this morning. You mentioned, when we fight, I always threaten to leave. I don’t know if it was your intention, but, it felt as though you were suggesting that because you don’t resort to that , that you are somehow more vested in this relationship.

I need you to know a few things.

I LOVE YOU!

I know I say it all the time and it likely holds little meaning these days other than being a piece of our everyday repertoire. But, when I say I love you, I mean that you are a piece of me. That I am not me without you. That my life has little meaning if you’re not a part of it. That you make me happy…..truly, truly happy. And that I would do anything with you or for you.

That being said, just because we fight and I say those terrible things, doesn’t mean I love you any less. In fact, in a twisted way it sort of means I love you more. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I never really fought in any of my other relationships. Well, there was a reason for that. I didn’t care enough to fight for them.

The reason I say i’m leaving is simple really.

You are the only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with, who stands up to me. I find this both infuriating and necessary.

When we fight, we fight. I often feel as though I’m backed into a corner. The things you say and the way you make me feel suggest that you don’t care about me. Of course we are in a fight and mean things are said, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less. At some point during our fights I convince myself that you don’t care about me, or at least not as much as I care about you.

I’m on the defense from there.

The truth is, I think part of me says those things because it invokes the only response that I get from you when we’re fighting, that suggests you want this and that you want me.

But, baby, no matter what is said in those fights, you are my everything. I live for you. I’m very uninterested in a life without you in it. So, I apologize for all the shitty things I say while we fight and the ones I will no doubt say in the future. But, just know that I only fight with you because I need you to fight back. I need to know you want this to and often, that is the only way I can tell for sure.

I know it’s messed up, but its just how I’ve learned to deal with it for now….

I love you baby. No matter what.

Always thinking of you. Always missing you. All my love, always.

Your wife

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